The Overwhelming Darkness
Sorrow is an insatiable force, consuming you from back to front like a relentless beast dominating your thoughts. The realization that loved ones were doing their best for me, yet an overwhelming sense of loneliness persisted, was the most heart-wrenching. Every shared moment seemed to transform into something ominous. I became the architect of my problems, returning home drained from the cacophony in my mind, opting to sleep to escape it all. Living felt like a nightmare, especially as the night approached when the voices grew stronger. The fusion of insomnia and depression became an inescapable duo.
The Cry for Help and the Burden It Bears
Acknowledging that I needed help was daunting; asking for it felt burdensome. The desire to break free from medications, doctors, therapists, hospitals, and negative thoughts became overwhelming. I felt lost, convinced I could never be the same person again. Motivation eluded me as I struggled to envision a future. Anxiety convinced me that every expression of love was a facade. The word 'encourage' triggered a cascade of dreadful thoughts, and I blamed myself for not concealing my true feelings.
The Isolation and the Dark Thoughts
Believing everyone should understand my pain, yet avoiding the prospect of sharing it, led to self-isolation. Retreating into my room seemed like a haven, shielded from potential missteps in human interaction. It became a place where numbness was welcomed, sparing me from the engulfing loneliness and anxiety. It was also a space where thoughts of self-harm found refuge, offering a temporary distraction from the persistent darkness.
Reflections on a Turbulent Year
As 2021 unfolded, it resembled a rollercoaster with more lows than highs. While I felt like I'd been through the wringer, I questioned if I would change my experiences if given the chance. Honestly, probably not. Depression isn't a silver lining, but I've come to believe in transforming negative encounters into positive growth.
Discovering the Essence of Happiness
Amidst the tumult, I discovered that the essence of life lies in happiness. I aspire to build a career based on passion, focusing on personal fulfillment rather than meeting others' expectations.
A Message to Those Struggling
If I could offer one piece of advice to others grappling with their mental health, it would be to break the silence. Some individuals have faced what you're going through and emerged stronger on the other side. While survival may seem daunting, trust me, you'll get there.